Rick Santorum called a press conference on the Grand Tier Lobby Level of the Metropolitan Opera today for an announcement of what his press secretary, Randy, described as “Titanic Proportions.”
“First, I know there has been some outcry over my cancellation of Manon with Anna Netrebko but know that she will be back next year in our all new production of The Magic Jewish Drink That Makes You Sin.”
“Second, I know there has been a lot of criticism in the press lately of the last GM of the Met , Peter Gelb. Once again let me assure everyone that with all due respect to Mr. Gelb, his reignof artsy fartsy gaytown stuff is over. We’re here to stay! However I will be taking a short leave of absence in light of recent news.”
“I know I don’t need to tell all of you that this day has been an emotional rollercoaster for me and my family,” said a suddenly teary eyed Santorum, “To experience the elation of learning that Jim J Bullock is still alive but then the heart crushing disappointment of his, as of yet still unexplained, refusal to join our artistic team here at the Metropolitan Opera has been almost too much for me to bear.”
“My family and I will be secluding ourselves in our Key West Compound for an extended period of prayer and reflection in the face of this titanic turn of events.”
Santorum then excused himself to the men’s room where loud sobs and high pitched wailing could be heard moments later.
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| Jim J Bullock |
Jim J Bullock was reached for comment while standing in line at a Long John Silver’s in Tarzana, California.
“All the good I did for sweater vests in the 1980’s was undone in a matter of months by this asshole,” exclaimed Bullock in an uncharacteristic moment of resentment, “and now he wants me to work with him? Look, I love Nathan Gunn as much as the next man but I just can’t do it. No matter what cost artistically.”
“I know Paul Lynde and Charles Nelson Reilly are looking down at me and I just can’t do it. There’s a legacy to maintain here. Something far bigger than just me and my petty needs or desires.”
“What does Santorum know about opera anyway?” continued Bullock while gesturing menacingly with his beverage, “I’ll bet this Brisk No Calorie Green Tea Peach Drink that he doesn’t go the distance.”
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