Earlier this year I sprained AND strained my shoulder and subluxated a rib while staying at my Mom’s in Northeastern Iowa.   It took nearly eight weeks to completely recover.  Here’s how it went down.

My lovely and special young lady friend and I were having a very intense conversation on the phone super late at night.  As we were then separated by over a thousand miles, we spoke on the phone multiple times a day usually culminating in late night (or sometimes mid afternoon, late afternoon, mid morning, early morning and pre and post dinner) mutually intense conversations often for extended periods of time.  As I was periodically importing her west to Iowa from the East Coast at that time, these mutually intense conversations were not only super hot, fantastic and fun but pivotal to the continued development of our blooming relationship which continues to bloom incandescently today. 

If you’re not getting it somehow, I’m talking about phone sex damn you. 

I give terrific phone in general and it is key (key key KEY) to any sort of long distance relationship as it keeps the sexual intimacy vital and growing.   Skype sex is dynamite too, but somehow lovely super girl did not have a webcam at that time (an issue since remedied needless to say).   However Phone sex also serves another purpose, being forced to actually speak aloud in great detail the dark filthy desires of the inner recesses of your mind causes you to share and bond very deeply and honestly.  (Also speaking into the dark ether to just the disembodied voice of your lover can prompt you to confess things you might, might, be more reticent to discuss face to face.)  It’s like mad foreplay for weeks.  I am a believer that ALL interactions with an intimate are a form of foreplay in one way or another so this works out very well for me. 

The best is really to have a three-way (waka-waka-waka) foreplay exchange going on with each other at all times.   Emails (Facebook counts), texting AND telephonic.    Even more fun is to have multiple threads within each exchange.   So one email thread is super sweet (I can’t wait to see you my sweetness) another is super filthy (I can’t wait to yadayada your yadayada all over my yadayada).  Follow?  Good stuff, trust me.

ANYWAY!  Back to my injury, I can only assume I had the phone crooked between my head and shoulder at an awkward and unfortunate angle as I woke up the morning after a particularly mutually intense conversation quasi-crippled.   My family and, most importantly, my three-year-old nephew were coming that same day.   It was very important to me to be able to pick him up, put him on my shoulder, swing him around like a monkey etc.   So I immediately called my fantabulous chiropractor Sheila.    Like the majority of professionals in this rural area, she has no set office.  She migrates between three, or even four, different locations throughout the week thusly giving the maximum number of people easy access to her services.   She was over an hour away on this day but it was easily worth the drive to me.

Sheila has seen me through several bizarre injuries but this one was a bit different.   She checked me out and told me I had both sprained AND strained my shoulder and had a rib subluxation.   She asked me if I had any idea how I injured myself.

“Uh.  Well I was talking on the phone.”

“What about?”

“Well you know, talking on the phone late at night.”

“Uh-huh.”

“Talking on the phone late at night very intensely.”

Sheila looked confused.

“I was having phone sex.”

“Ah.  I thought it might be something like that.”

Sheila then in her magical and oh so skillful way fixed me up the best she could with much satisfactory cracking and crunching.   It felt much better but she insisted I alternate cold and heat on my shoulder and do my best NOT to reinjure it (hint hint).

On my way out, Sheila did tell me she admired my “commitment to enjoying life” and mentioned how immensely lucky, blessed and grateful lovely super girl should feel to have someone with my talents, gifts, joie de vivre and extreme commitment to excellence in her life.   (Okay I added that second part but Sheila no doubt MEANT to say it.)

As I reached the door, I felt the need to clarify something with Sheila.  I turned back to her.

“Just for the record.  It WAS with a girl.   A real girl.    That I’m involved with.   Not some recording or whatever.”

“I actually assumed that.   I guess I shouldn’t have really.   But I did. “

I found myself very flattered by this statement and smiled.

“Okay, see you next week,” Sheila said, “Alternate heat and ice!”

I shook Sheila’s hand and went to the car to call lovely super girl and update her as to my status.

-Shawn E Milnes