Last Christmas was my and my girlfriend (now fiancée)’s first as a couple.  We decided to go to her mother’s together for Christmas as things were already super serious.

Things got off to a great start in that we were smooching outside the Buffalo (yes Buffalo) airport and didn’t even notice “mother” pulling up to the curb to pick us up.  She actually honked we believe but we were completely lost in the moment. 

Once inside her car, she said “You were so busy kissing you didn’t even notice I pulled up!” which led us to believe that her home was “activity friendly” but still taste, style and discretion are the words of the day.

As the car pulled into the adjoining garage to the house, our first thought was, well, at least we can sneak into the back seat of the car if need be.  Although black leather seats would not be our first choice.  BUT once upstairs, we saw that things could really work out, “activity” wise. 

The bed was lodged tightly against the walls in one corner of the room, thusly minimizing the bed movement and hopefully squeaking.   PLUS there were photos of grandparents’ weddings all over the room, snowglobes AND a framed letter my fiancée had written to her mother at age 7 called “I Love My Mom”.  Super kinky.  Right on.  Add in the cross-eyed broken cat clock and Saturday Evening Post calendar on the wall (sponsored by Thomas Turtle Opticians – now celebrating their 40^th year) and the five small wooden boxes filled with cat ashes, each lovingly inscribed with the ex-cat’s name (Meowser.  Flukey.  Tinkerbell.  Egg.) and all seemed super suitably freaky for freakiness. 

We also took note of the fact that the upstairs bathroom shared a wall with the bedroom.   Which brings us to our first tip of how to tastefully have wild sex in your parent’s home during the holidays.  

1) Make use of the shower.  Yeah, if worse comes to worse you can use the bathroom floor with the shower going.  Sure you can basically get as loud as you want BUT the hard bathroom floor is murder on your knees and back even if you lay a bunch of towels down first.  You can bring in extra padding of course, but then you risk being asked whey you are bringing Aunt Gertrude’s hand made quilt into the bathroom with you at all.  Not necessary.

Remember, style, taste, yadayada.

2) Sharing a wall with the bathroom can serve almost the same purpose as using the floor.  The water rushing through the pipes will vibrate the walls and often artfully cover your own vibrations with a minimum of preparation.  Simply SHOWER LAST.  That way as mom, scooter and Uncle Turk are all preparing for the day, you get your action on and just quickly slip into the shower last and emerge sweet and clean as a tulip.  A filthy, sinning tulip.  

3) Another quick word on beds – if it is your actual childhood bed covered with stuffed animals and the like DON’T WORRY ABOUT IT!  Gringling and Miss Piggy need to get over the trauma of all the tedious sticky fumblings of High School anyway.  So go at it!  They’ll be better for it, trust me.

4) Noises in general are the only real offender in the parental house holiday hook up.  But you can use this to your advantage as well.  If there is no ambient noise to cover your filthy yuletide yowling then simply focus that energy into a different direction.  BITE, for example.  This muffles your happy Christmas cries of passion AND redirects the energy back into your partner.   Find a suitable bite location for heaven’s sake however.  Like the chest (on guys, jerk) shoulders or arms.  And slowly increase the bite pressure.  If you do this you will find you can bite pretty darn hard, not only muffling your sounds but also leaving a happy Season’s Greetings mark on your partner afterwards.  Yum.  Similarly you can bite each others’ tongues.  Serving the same muffling purpose.  But again increase pressure slowly!  Starting out at anywhere near full intensity will cause a very different sort of yowl and possibly draw blood.  Very much at odds with festive yuletide carnality.

You can also funnel your sounds and passion into high intensity filthy whispering into each other’s ears.  You need to be a touch more creative (and open) for this to work but it rocks.  When whispering is your only source of verbal outlet you may find yourself whispering the filthiest things imaginable.  You might end up really shocked by what comes out of your mouth and end up on Santa’s Naughty List indefinitely but it’s all in pursuit of excellence so we think Santa will understand.  The Elves, less so.

 6) Getting time alone uninterrupted during the day is an issue in the holiday hook up.  One of our personal favorite reasons to excuse oneself from family time is having to “work”.  You garner sympathy for having to work over the holidays, plus people will take that excuse seriously and rarely bother you. 

7) Another useful excuse is to need a nap.  This one can be tricky, however.  Family plans and obligations may lead to your nap being interrupted (not a pretty sight) and while taking naps are a good go-to reason to beg off from watching holiday TV, be careful not to overuse it.  Last night during dinner, my future Mother-In-Law asked if we were taking yet another nap.  We didn’t know how to take that.  She was clearly envious, as she noted she had not yet gotten to take a nap, but whether she was referring to the nap or something else was not clear.

8) A good basic rule of thumb is if you hear people talking, they are NOT listening to you so you can up your tempo.  Complete silence in the house is a little more iffy.  They could be sleeping, or they could be…Yikes. 

Being sexually satisfied bonds you as a unit, makes relatives’ rambling more bearable and generally eases the stress of the holidays.

The above basically applied to PRE engagement situations.  Since my girlfriend and I became my fiancée and I things have changed.  Somehow getting engaged gives you an instant membership to the Grown Up Sex Joke Club.  Something I didn’t really know existed nor did I want to.  Our first weekend after the proposal we went to the wedding of my fiancée’s cousin in Virginia.  After all the sweet and endless introductions to extended family as her fiancé (beware your actual name becomes secondary) the full gut churning virulence of the Grown Up Sex Joke Club reared its ugly head.  We ran into her aunt and uncle in the hall of the hotel, after congratulations and complimenting the ring, her aunt immediately jumped to “Hey Guys.  We’re in the room next door.  So keep it down tonight.” (wink-wink)   EEK.   I didn’t know about this aspect of engagement.  If I had I still would have proposed of course but I would have armored myself for the first post engagement family event more properly.  I had assumed it would be all familial gushing and tears about true love and beauty.  Not sweatered relatives winking knowingly about the assumed audial volume of our orgasms.  I gotta get back into therapy. 

So good luck, and Merry Christmas to all and to all a filthy Good Night.

– Elizabeth Frayer and Shawn E Milnes

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