General Manager of the Metropolitan Opera, Rick Santorum, addressed a crowd of reporters and well-wishers at Lincoln Center Plaza this past week.

“My personal late night internet research has revealed to me that the last couple of seasons at the Metropolitan have caused Nathan Gunn and his vocal folds to go off half cocked.  This is not acceptable.  At an institution of this caliber artists being anything other than fully cocked is an outrage.  With my support Nathan will be fully cocked in the seasons to come.  As will I.  Under my tenure ALL male artists can rely on my pledge to their being fully cocked here at the Metropolitan.  AND their folds.”

“Hear me now you fruity bastards,” Santorum continued, gesturing menacingly with his right index finger,  “Artistic collaboration is the name of the game here.  We want to expand and deepen our penetrating alliance with artists such as Nathan Gunn, Thomas Hampson and dear god Jonas Kaufman.  We will flex and stretch the artistic muscles and roughly plunge the great unlubricated fist of violent collaboration into the orifice of musicality again and again with a grunt and a sigh.”

“We shall, by sheer force of moist will, urge the dewy folds of our collaboration to smack against each other in musical ecstasy until my screams of fulfillment and shame echo off the Turkish bath house walls.”

“All folds will be fully cocked here.  That is my pledge.  My artistry and integrity will accept nothing less.”

Announcement of Santorum’s 2013-2014 Metropolitan Opera Season to follow.

– Shawn E Milnes