I have been to the Met a great great many times, and with a great (great) many women throughout the years, and have had many bizarre adventures there. (Ask me about the time I had sex with my high school girlfriend on the Zeffirelli Third Act set of Aida while the Second Act Triumphal March raged with full chorus, principals, horses and chariots just on the other side of the dividing stage wall. OR about my male gay friend who achieved manual release from a strange man in the Met standing room section during a performance of Tales of Hoffman. But those are both separate articles unto themselves, best for another time.)
On my first visit of last season to the Met, I was with a certain super special, unique and exceedingly amazing and beautiful young lady. During the performance, we held hands and caressed each others’ wrists. Super sweet, erotic and fabulous. But I found myself re-shifting my position a lot. Knees to the left, knees to the right, hand here, arm there, shifting, twitching, adjusting. Very distracting. It was still absolutely fantastic (mainly attributable to the singular excellence of my companion) BUT I realized my Met canoodling skills needed a serious revamp.So after a great deal of thought I came up with a few tips I thought I would share with you.
Now these are tips for Male/Female couples as, sadly, I am not a woman nor, even more sadly, have I ever fully canoodled with a man at the Opera. But I’m sure you can translate them to your particular tastes with ease.
The seats at the Met are pretty damn great I find. Red velvety cushiony goodness. But the armrests, although padded, are still basically hard wood dividers and will dig into your ribs uncomfortably if you lean into them for long.SO fold your jacket over the armrest which will allow you and your companion to lean into each other with far more comfort. (And yes for god’s sake at least wear a jacket, if not a suit to the Met. If not there where the F else are you going to? Have some taste, style, class, dignity and elegance PLEASE!) So fold it over the armrest. Even if it’s Armani. Or Dolce. Or Prada. Who cares how expensive it is. What’s more important? The mutually shared experience or the re-pressing cost? Yes, the jacket may get wrinkled and creased but far more importantly it will be impregnated with the heat and energy of you and your companion’s mutual artistic, spiritual and physical arousal. Literally dripping with carnal hotness and world-class excellence. Worth the eventual $16 to the dry cleaners, no?
Now also don’t be a jerk, NEATLY fold your jacket over the armrest. It will be a far more even and comfortable cushion if you do.Another quick basic pointer. If you are significantly taller than your companion try to get an aisle seat with her seated next to you. That way you can put your legs a bit out in the aisle. (Not too far. Remember -taste, style, class, dignity, elegance) and then lean fully into her. With your folded jacket cushion over the armrest of course.
There are 2 basic positions with which to canoodle at the Met with endless variants the majority of which will be more fun for you to figure out on your own.
1) Hand holding in lap. Lean into her and fold her arm into the crook of your elbow and hold hands in her lap. Again the folded jacket over the armrest makes the lean in far more comfortable.
A variant of this is the same arm crook cradling position but with hands in your lap. She then leans into you. Equally cuddly. All depends on your height difference. As I am tall, I find it easier to hold hands in her lap. This is the cutest and most intimate of the positions I find. As your bodies are aligned and in maximum surface contact and your heads are very close together to allow easy access for whispering comments about the performance or dirty post performance plans. PLUS by having hands clasped in one or the other lap allows for other interesting hand activities during the performance should you have the inclination. (One would fold one’s jacket across the active lap in this case to cover the exploits of wandering dirty hands and fingers. But THAT is yet another post. THIS one is about canoodling, yes?)
A variant of this is the same arm crook cradling position but with hands in your lap. She then leans into you. Equally cuddly. All depends on your height difference. As I am tall, I find it easier to hold hands in her lap. This is the cutest and most intimate of the positions I find. As your bodies are aligned and in maximum surface contact and your heads are very close together to allow easy access for whispering comments about the performance or dirty post performance plans. PLUS by having hands clasped in one or the other lap allows for other interesting hand activities during the performance should you have the inclination. (One would fold one’s jacket across the active lap in this case to cover the exploits of wandering dirty hands and fingers. But THAT is yet another post. THIS one is about canoodling, yes?)
2) Arm draped over her. Either right or left. This can get slightly difficult at the Met in that the subtitle displays are directly above the seat back so you can’t really rest your arm fully on the edge of the seat back itself. So you must either rest the full weight of your arm on the shoulders of your companion OR precariously balance your arm on the edge of the subtitle display which makes for an overly elevated and awkward angle OR try to wedge a sliver of your arm in the small space between the Subtitle display and the seat back which is again very awkward. Either is okay in the short term but for long term canoodling it is far from ideal as the awkwardness leads to rapid arm fatigue and will eventually cause muscle twitches in your arm. Twitching at the Met is bad, and very distracting to you and your companion. But any and all awkwardness can be avoided with a tiny pre-performance canoodle prep.Know your basic positions beforehand! In fact, give each one a quick run through with a variety of variants before the house lights dim. That way you know what you’ve got to work with. Which leads me to my final point. Switch up when you have to! Staying in the same position is uncomfortable and unnatural. By knowing your basics beforehand you can seamlessly transition from one equally hot, cuddly and awesome position to another thusly eliminating the aforementioned fatigue, cramping, awkwardness, muscle twitches and uncomfortability while still maintaining the intimate connection your companion.
And intimate connection to your companion, buster, is the best way to share the experience of opera.
Excellent analysis. That Met backstage is so big, I never considered what could happen back there if you are intent. Your essay also begs the question, when is Mr. Gelb going to install movie stadium seats? I like the head rest, the cup holders, and most important the arm rest that swings up out of the way for premo canoodling. Incidentally, in my teens, I bought student desk tickets at the Met and used my opera glasses to scout out empty orchestra seats. Once, I sat directly behind Maestro Jimmy, between some tuxedoed(sp?) and gowned patrons. And BTW, I was wearing jeans and a sweaty T-shirt. Alas, no opera-loving girlfriends at the time. I did miss most of the debut of "The Empire Strikes Back" during a make-out session, though. I had to go back alone to find out what it was about. That's a space opera — does it count?