Largo al Santorum
After James Levine’s health problems and Peter Gelb’s upcoming tragic accident in an abandoned pool, a power vacuum has been left at the Metropolitan Opera. Rick Santorum has stepped in to fill the vacuum as new General Manager of the Metropolitan Opera.
“We’re shocked to get him. That he was available and even interested,” said the Met’s VP of Doing a Special Dance, Jeffrey Forknocker. “But we’re pleased and perplexed to have him.”
Santorum was devastated to learn his first choice for Assistant Artistic Director; Jim J Bullock had in fact passed away.
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| Jim J Bullock |
The Santorum team plans sweeping changes at the Met that he suspects will catch on nation wide to make Opera, in his words, “less Foreign and a whole lot less gay.”
The Official Language of Opera will now be English. “Not all that Moon man stuff you had going before.”
All productions will be updated to modern dress. “Men wearin’ wigs?? That’s fancy pants stuff!” declared Santorum with a dismissive wave of his hand.
No more frilly shirts or wigs of any kind. “We’re not running a gay rodeo here,” said Santorum with a palpable tinge of regret.
Additionally, next year’s production of Faust will be completely reworked to be in accordance with Santorum’s insistence that the character of Mephistopheles be depicted as wearing an oversize top hat and tails and carrying a pitchfork. “You know, like he looks when he’s standing over your bed watching you masturbate to pictures of firemen,” explained Santorum casually.
Small holes will be drilled in all Male Principal showers and fitted with fiber optic cameras to check for “evidence of sinning,”, said a visibly sweating Santorum, nipples protruding from beneath his sweater vest.
Librettos will be reworked to include at least one appearance by Thomas Hampson writhing onstage in a loincloth while clutching a crucifix. “It’s an image close to my heart.” Hampson could not be reached for comment as he is preparing for his upcoming Pantless Macbeth.
After much heartache upon learning Wagner’s Ring Cycle was not in fact Robert Wagner’s Ring Cycle and a continuation of the Hart to Hart TV series, Santorum, a life long Hart to Hart fan, stated to the small crowd gathered in the Men’s Room, “Did you know Stephanie Powers has an older brother named Jeff? Man, that’s really something.”
Anna Netrebko was dismayed to discover that all future performances of Manon have been cancelled after Santorum found the title misleading. “Kind of makes a promise it doesn’t keep you know? Kept waiting for a Man to get on something but…”
The Met water fountains will no longer use the conical paper cups as Santorum found them lascivious and provocative. “Come on, what does that make you think of?” said Santorum holding a cup up to his ear.
Additionally, the red velvet carpet will be replaced by cork floors covered in sawdust. “That carpet made me feel like I was in the Hot Suites Taksim gay brothel in Istanbul. I could almost smell the hashish smoke and Crisco. Not that I would know what that is like of course.”
All efforts are being made by the Santorum team to bring the titles of operas more in line with “American Values and Taste.” In this vein, Sondra Radvanovsky, Ramon Vargas and Ferruccio Furlanetto will be returning to the Met for next year’s production of Donald Carlo.Rigoletto will now be known as The Adventures of the Immoral Dwarf. Aida – The Sinning Egyptian Race Mixer and La Boheme will now be called The Gays.
More on this story as it develops.
In related news: Santorum to spend final IQ points on single can of diet Shasta.
Shawn, Fucking marry me. This is hysterical.