Let me just preface this by saying I REALLY like Root Beer.
Almost exactly a year ago, I went to see David Cronenberg’s A Dangerous Method. I’d had a DVD screener of it for months but kept myself from watching it because I VERY much wanted to see it in a theatre with my super lovely young then girlfriend/now fiancée.
I love David Cronenberg in general. Dead Ringers is one of my favorite movies. (Twin Gynecologists played by Jeremy Irons one of whom becomes a junkie and convinces himself that women with mutant vaginas are wreaking havoc and must be stopped.) Great movie. AND eXistenZ (1999) which predates almost ALL of the endless virtual reality paranoia projects floated since then AND is better than all them I think. AND Crash (1996 NOT 2004) about the sexual fetish for near fatal car crashes. Cronenberg speaks to many of my sexual sensibilities and has often pushed buttons or thrown switches I didn’t even know I had.
But THIS one!! Freud! Jung! Turn of the Century Light BDSM! Forget about it! After my endless decades in therapy (no doubt the cause of the majority of my perversions) this movie seemed to tie it all together in one neat tidy kinky Cronenbergian package for me! This was THE ONE! Hooray!
My young lady girlfriend and I also saw a preview for A Dangerous Method on our first movie date at Almodovar’s The Skin I Live In. (Another super kinky freaky movie that I loved if you’re interested.) We sweetly smiled at each other in the darkness during the spanking scene of the preview so therefore the movie held a special place in our hearts. Seeing it together would, no doubt, be a hot, kinky, fun, thought provoking and bonding experience. I should have known then we would marry. I think I did on some level actually.
So we went. My young lady girlfriend was very excited by our chosen theatre’s, The Landmark Sunshine, selection of flavored popcorn toppings. She had been there before and sweetly snuggled into my arm on the walk there describing all of them to me. She was very excited for me to try the White Cheddar topping but was afraid I wouldn’t like it. Although I am a fairly straight (waka) salt and butter man, I assured her that if she liked it I would too.
Inside the theatre we discovered they had not only various “gourmet” flavored popcorn toppings but also Root Beer! Such a rarity to find Root Beer in a movie theatre nowadays. Fanta perhaps. But Root Beer? I bought us a large popcorn and myself a Root Beer and watched YLG skip cutely over to the Topping Counter. She found the White Cheddar topping and dashed just a pinch on a small section of popcorn and handed me a kernel to taste. Not bad, I told her. So she gleefully poured a layer of White Cheddar Topping powder on the popcorn. I briefly considered that she was using too much, but defer absolutely to her taste and experience in such matters so I said nothing. Even though when she was done the crystalline White Cheddar powder seemed to be forming strange glistening conical piles like stalagmites on top of the popcorn. She no doubt knew what she was doing.
The story of A Dangerous Method follows generally the relationship of Freud and Jung in the beginning days of psychoanalysis and more specifically the relationship between Jung and a beautiful, young, Russian Jewish Girl named Sabina Spielrein played by the lovely Keira Knightly. (Viggo Mortensen is Freud and completely rocks by the way.) Sabina has some, uh, issues with sex and violence. Unfortunately while treating her, Jung falls in love with her with disastrous and kinky results. Most engrossing. I watched the first 20 minutes without distraction while cuddling my super lovely young lady girlfriend. Until I took a handful of popcorn from the bag in her lap and popped it in my mouth. The first crunch created some sort of white cheddar acidic explosion nightmare in my mouth. I think my face actually contorted in revulsion and horror. I quickly downed a third of my precious Root Beer and looked at YLG. She looked terribly sad as she realized that she had over cheddarized the popcorn to the point of unholy flavor mutation. I kissed her, told her I loved her very much and not to worry and settled down to watch the movie again which was just starting to get hot.
But she was so upset about ruining our popcorn she began digging deeply down into different corners of the bag, crunching around and periodically whispering, “Try this piece. It’s from the bottom. It should be okay.” They weren’t okay. They weren’t okay at all. And onscreen things were REALLY heating up, but I was too distracted by the hideous synthetic white cheddar paste now coating and seemingly hardening against the inside of my mouth to be able to pay attention to the sexiness unfolding on screen.
Finally her digging and crunching and whispering prompted me to exclaim,
“Young Lady Girlfriend! Will you forget about the popcorn?? JUNG IS SPANKING THE RUSSIAN!!”
But to no avail, her sweetness shined through and she would not rest until she found a kernel of popcorn uncorrupted by her excesses. Finally I just took the bag from her, kissed her the best I could with a mouth full of shellacked White Cheddar wretchedness and snuggled down to finish the movie. Unfortunately without the benefit of toothpicks or a sand blaster OR any remaining Root Beer, I spent the rest of the movie suppressing a gag reflex and trying to unstick my tongue from the roof of my mouth. From what I saw in passing the movie LOOKED good! But I can’t tell you much else for sure about the experience. Except that the Root Beer was delicious.
So thank god for delicious Root Beer. AND thank god for my DVD screener of A Dangerous Method that we could watch at home without even getting out of bed. Waka.
-Shawn E Milnes
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