In Praise of My New Internet Friends From Nigeria

I always love spam email. Especially financial scams. I like the fake romantic Internet dating leads as well but somehow the financial scams tickle me the most. Something about the broken English, and the names are usually super fabulous.

I recently got a spam with the Subject line “Compensation Payment”. The sender was a Mrs. Mercy Hunt. (Like I said fab names) Mercy Hunt wanted me to know that I, lucky dog that I am, have won the “Mastercard/Microsoft International Barclay Bank Plantinum Visa International Mega Jackpot UK. “ of 6.6 million pounds. Whoo-hoo!

Apparently my recent conversion to Kabbalah has really paid off.

It was co signed by “Mastercard/Microsoft International Mega Jackpot Barclay Bank Platinum Visa Card Barclay’s Premiership Microsoft Office, United Kingdom Present Director Mr Ashley Steve Jr.” Wow.

It then went on to say that my email address had brought me “an unexpected luck” and that no less than the IMF had been authorized by no less than the G20 summit AND “bill gates Microsoft Chairman and Chief Software Architect and also empowered with one trillion dollars to commence the immediate release of all held funds from the United Kingdom, United State, Europeans, Asia and Africa to cushion the world economic depression.”

Who knew I was so popular and important? Well, Rabbi O’Malley had always hinted at my being the center of the universe but I hadn’t taken him seriously enough apparently. Never again Seamus, I promise.

The more standard financial spams have become common and boring. Please wire this amount here to help save whoever or to collect your winnings etc. No style. UNTIL I got one last week from a Mohamed Abu Malik who has really upped the moral ante in spam financial scams. And I found it successfully appealed to my moral core, frayed and stagnating though it may be.

It opened with “Assalamalaikum”. Peace be unto me, okay. Drew me in immediately. Well done.

“How are you doing?” Very well Mohamed, thank you for asking.

“Hope you are well with your family?” Well I hadn’t been with my family for over a week but it was nice of him to inquire I thought.

Then, “You see, I write to seek your immediate collaboration for a risk-free

project, though we are not really acquainted with each other, but I will plead for trust to be our watch-word. Some lasting relationships start this way.”

They sure do Mohamed! Trust WILL BE our watch-word! I found myself immediately pining for us to be really acquainted with each other. Kindness, courtesy, trust, yet the keen observations of a true realist? Wow. This could really work out for Mohamed and I.

“It would also be quite advantage and beneficial, if you are the type of person I have in mind. I mean someone who is trust-worthy, reliable, established, understanding

and secretive.”

Quite advantage AND beneficial? Trust-worthy, reliable, established, understanding and secretive? Gosh I really wanted to be the kind of person Mohamed had in mind. Who doesn’t really? But perhaps Mohamed saw something in me I didn’t yet see in myself. The trust- worthy, reliable, non self-pitying, non reality TV watching, understanding and secretive man I’d always longed to become. Perhaps I was that man already! And Mohamed saw it! That IS advantage AND beneficial! Hooray!

“However, I will discuss the best way to handle the situation, and other details

with you once I get your favorable response.”

But how should I phrase my favorable response? How could I best convey that I AM the type of person Mohamed has in mind? Especially now that Trust is our watch-word?

My mind spun with possibilities –

Dear Mohamed. I AM YOUR GUY!!!!

Too aggressive.

Dear Mohamed. Thank you for believing in me when I couldn’t believe in myself!!
Too needy.

Dear Mohamed. I love you! Please love me!!

Shouldn’t open with that. It would no doubt emerge organically during our correspondence anyway.

I just couldn’t find the right balance of tone for my favorable response! Curse my indecisive and illiterate loins! I was nearly brought to tears.

But then I noticed that Mohamed’s email ended with – “Thanks in advance for co-operations, while I expect to read from you Asap.”

Whoa. That felt a bit presumptuous. Even with Mohamed’s keen insight into my full potential as a human being it came off as pushy. Expect to read from me ASAP? I found it quite hurtful actually. Especially after all we had been through together.

I immediately deleted my heartfelt favorable response to Mohamed and made a commitment to get outside more. But as there was a Keeping Up With the Kardashians marathon just starting, I wisely opted to stay indoors.