10 Sexting Autocorrects That Almost Cost Me My Sex Life

Sexting is an art form curse your loins! And I find it to be a wonderful way to spend countless insomniatic hours as opposed to producing something I might actually get paid for. And of course there IS a pay off. But as in all things in life, I find it best to approach it as an art form and treat it with the respect any art form deserves.

For example, for God’s sake DON’T use LOL in ANY way shape or form. The hideously overused LOL (or the tepid lol) is really the textual equivalent of nervously laughing after everything you say. And nervous uncomfortable laughter in a sexual context is usually a bad thing I have found.

Also, please watch your rules of language. Sexting with someone who has bad grammar and spelling always feels just a bit too much like pedophilia to me. But maybe I’m a snob.

Along the same lines, last year I switched to an iPhone4S, after years of being a die-hard Blackberry devotee and Sexting pro. In Sexting, speed is often of the essence and proofreading your texts can very much interrupt the organic flow of things. Add into that the iPhone’s touch screen and autocorrect function and my Sexting has been opened up to a whole new menagerie of faux pas.

One certain special young lady recently received the message from me, “I can’t wait to throw you down on the bees and kick you all over your body.” Yikes.

I also sent once “I want to cuckoo your wry putsch” which at least still sounds fairly dirty. And “I want to lock your wry putsch” which just sounds fairly scary.

In answer to a text from another young lady asking me to detail what I wanted to do to her, I somehow replied, “stock my took on your amass until you cook.” I never heard back from her strangely.

I’m obviously not the only one. I’ve received supposed Sexts looking forward to my “Tender careers and looses all over my sky” or one recounting how much she “echelon for your goofy on my puffs”. I couldn’t remotely figure out that last one so I actually had to ask, which was a touch awkward as it was early in the relationship.

“Sexy” has come out as “sarcasm” which I thought was interesting. “I want you” has come out “I wasn’t UNO,” which is also somewhat thought provoking. Even the sweet, tame and common “I miss you” has autocorrected to “I mouse toy,” which I immediately decided to use as the title for my upcoming autobiography. And the equally tame “I’m all yours” ended up transmitted as “I’m AWOL gouts,” which would make a great World War II comic book character I think. (AWOL Gouts and the Fightin’ Grunts of the 49^th)

I do plan on overcoming the iPhone4S touchpad and autocorrect learning curve if it’s the last thing I do. If only so no young lady ever again has to read the sentence “I want goi so barfly, I cast Satan my.”